I’m Not Supposed to Admit This

For someone that has so many “amazing qualities,” I seem to lack the ones that make for a realistic partner. Bare with me on this one, it’s going to be a bit raw.

I’ve been single for a while now. Trust me, I spend the better part of my day analyzing why I haven’t been able to gain traction in this area, and with that, continually fighting the shame of the areas of my life I wish I was better at, and assume, are the reasons why I am in fact still on a relational team of one.

Today I decided I would be honest about a feeling I have had for a while — I can’t remember the last time I felt chased after. I understand as a male this is just not the biblical (oh no!) or cultural standard, but trust me, when you hit 35 and haven’t had a date in 2 years, those standards start to feel a bit obtuse and quite frankly, bullshit. My singleness has allowed me to hyper-focus on the areas of my life that I have much room for improvement, however, if consistency, loyalty, friendship, empathy, fun, encouragement, and being someone's number one cheerleader and support are the most sought after features in a partner, I’ve been lied too. Because at my age, that just doesn’t do it. As previously stated (and this seems silly, but It feels out of place for me as a cis man to say this) I haven’t felt pursued or chased by someone in a very long time. I don’t recall the last time I was told I was wanted — for coffee, a drink, a moment that was set aside and intentional. Except for from my mother, who is honestly and always will be the most dependable Woman in my life. (I love our coffee chats Mom). But, I am also writing this because I know I am not the only man that feels this way, and I believe it’s not only ok, but needs to be normalized that we express it.

I am far from perfect. My god am I far from it. Like, “What’s that on the horizon, I can’t even see it with my telescope’” far, but damn it y’all, do I know how to love well. I suppose I am lamenting for my own sake in hopes that perhaps that will be enough again someday. Even as I continue to work on the traits I struggle with.

Every once in a while you allow yourself to feel those enate human emotions and realize that they are completely valid and worth talking about. That’s me today. If you are a man and haven’t felt chased or wanted, you deserve to be. Remember that.